Dear Stoya, Stop Being So Hauntingly Gorgeous

It's not funny, Stoya. We're trying to have intimate moments with the women in our lives, but all we can think about is you: finding patches of sun with your hair, pointing your gumdrop nipples at the world, arching your back so we can see the bright red tights covering your ass. And hey, that last move looks like it was taken from Faye Reagan's book, what's that about, Stoya?